A bit of rant and explination

Some idiots believe that Amnesia makes someone dumb.

No, it's idiots who believe that a brain injury that causes memories to be erased somehow correlates with being less intelligent that make me believe someone is "dumb". 

Actually, the truth is - seeing everything with un-biased vision and clarity gives me a distinct advantage over most other people.

I see things for what they are, not how I have convinced myself over years and years of environmental conditioning to see things.

I don't attach emotions to subjects, events, or people...not in the ways I would if my memories were in-tact... which means I can see it all for what/how/and who they really are.

Don't underestimate the power of clear perception. You'd be surprised how very well I am aware. You'd be surprised how I keep track of everything and everyone, and all of the intricate details.

Don't 'look down' on people with amnesia, we have some very huge advantages that many other people may Never get to experience or even comprehend. (No, we're not "better than" anything or anyone... but we're definitely NOT "less than".)

I DO care about those I choose to care about - the rest of humanity has my empathy - not apathy. I just wanted to be clear on that. I'm not some sort of sociopath that doesn't feel. No, I'm quite the opposite. I feel a LOT for people I don't know & situations that make my heart quake. 

That doesn't mean that I can attach old memory-caused emotions to someone currently. That's impossible for me to do. SO - yes, while amnesia causes memories to be erased, I can still feel for people - I just make a distinction between what I feel now about someone rather than what they expect of me according to whatever past we've shared. 

There's a big difference - I'm not sure if I'm explaining it clearly - I'm sure I'm not. 

_________________________________________________________________

I'll put it this way - I cannot feel something about someone the same way currently as I would if my memories about them were still accessible. I may look at someone who had been a close friend before amnesia, and not feel the deep connection we may have had prior to my TBI. I may meet a perfect stranger and become fast friends, and feel for them the ways I may have felt for an actual old-friend. See? Make any sense at all?

I'm trying to describe something that almost nobody I know is experiencing, in ways that would make sense to someone who doesn't have amnesia, which I do have.... it's like a monkey trying to speak plant, to a plant that's never been a monkey - and that monkey's never been a plant. It's hard to see both sides clearly enough to explain things properly. 

In all honesty, I'm still often surprised when people react to certain things with (or without) emotional attachments. It astounds me the things that people truly attach feelings to - things that I don't comprehend the real reasoning for - and there's things that I'm thoroughly surprised people Do Not attach feelings to. But, we are all different, we've all experienced this world in so many varying ways and degrees.. I'm not judging others for that - no way.

I'm not perfect, I cannot see EVERYTHING perfectly, but I do see a very clear difference between my perception of how things are, how things have happened, & how things look/seem, compared to people who literally cannot see things the way I do. That's perfectly fine, until I'm called out as "less than" someone else, or "less intelligent" because of amnesia. I have to clarify - it is NOT okay to assume that memory is directly correlated to intelligence, or vise-versa. 

There are certain things about all of this brain stuff, that just may never make any sense to anyone. 

That doesn't give anyone the right or the reason to attack someone's mental-abilities. If someone had diabetes, I wouldn't assume that their taste pallet was inferior to someone without diabetes. I wouldn't assume that someone allergic to cats does not have the capacity to love animals.

There are certain aspects of our perceptions that dictate how we make decisions, while other aspects determine how we emotionally react or physically react, but memories are only a small portion of the overall ways in which our brains interpret information. Some people use Mainly memories to base their assessments and judgement about whatever this's or that's... but those of us who don't have that choice find other means of discernment. 

Let's say I used to know someone - & that someone committed a crime. I wouldn't associate that person with whatever I used to know about them, because I no longer know whatever I used to know about them. I will associate them for being a criminal. ---- And, I truly hope this clears any confusion up about my previous statement.

~*~ Until next blog ~*~

Some great information I've found about 'THE HUMAN MEMORY'...

I've done MONTHS of research, and finally stumbled upon this website about the brain.

There are numerous websites out there, but I've finally found one that I could understand, and follow. (Both are rare, when it comes to cerebral/brain issues.)

Anyhow, here's the link. Please let me know if any of this has been found useful to you, or for your loved ones living with Amnesia, TBI, and all of the plethora of other brain-injury, brain-altering experiences, illnesses & injuries.
Amnesia & Sensory Disorders 
http://www.human-memory.net/disorders_amnesia.html

I truly hope this helps someone, anyone, even a little bit. I know it's helped me to better understand how my body works, and that it's not my fault my brain is injured and doesn't respond in ways I expect for it to. I'm not messed up, I'm simply healing - and healing can cause some strange things indeed.

Medication Nightmare

There's only one way to state this fact: Medicines only work IF you Need them.

I've been toiling with medicines that are supposed to assist my healing as well as my panic attacks and other unhealthy side-effects of this brain injury I'm coping with.

At first, I was quite open and trusting of any and all medical practitioners to instinctually know what to use and how to treat my case. Apparently there's a LOT to be learned still about head injuries and the ways in which the brain works. I'm not a rare case, unless you consider how my medical care has been handled. It has literally been nightmarish (to say the least.)

I'm not suggesting that people should Not seek outside help, or medications *if in fact they're needed, or pyschiatric help. I'm not saying that AT ALL. I'm saying: Loved ones, Care-givers, Trusted friends, PLEASE DO YOUR RESEARCH about the practitioners available in your area. Please delve into their experience, their reviews from previous/current patients, etc...?!

The medical community (as well as any others) has their own sets of downfalls, regulations, procedural "red-tape" and such, so please be patient but also VERY advocating to what it is that you're needing. The more information you give those whom are in charge of helping you, the better. If something is Not working for you, be as honest and detailed as humanly possible. Keep those daily journals active. The journals can assist those whom are in charge of helping you get better, and stay better. You'd be surprised how much info a single sentence per-day can provide for those who are going to analyse your progress.

If you have to, DO change practitioners... If you're not being listened to, or responded to in a timely manner, than DO seek others. It isn't going to harm you to seek 2nd, 3rd, or 4th opinions from others who might have more experience in cases like your own. Do not be afraid to seek out others. I know it is a VERY stressful and energy-consuming process... but it's worth it in the end to find the right care for your needs.

When you get discouraged, please remind yourself that not every Dr on earth thinks they truly are a 'god'. There is someone out there who will specifically be perfect for you and your needs.

2014 - Another chance to start off Great!!! :-D

The saying goes: "May the road come up to meet you, and the wind ever be at your back." 

I didn't think it could mean anything but a kind regard for easy travels... until the road literally came up and met my skull. (laughing) It's not an easy subject to write about, while in the midst of all it's horrible side-effects, but I think I'm doing rather well with the day to day stuff now. Amnesia was difficult to accept, and for the people who love and care about me to accept, but here we are. 

Many trials and harsh days and nights ago I was in a world of confusion, self-absorption, and turmoil.

Now, with the help of professionals, my loving family, my kind and generous friends, and a lot of patience on my own part - we've come to a point of choices for me. It's time for me to choose where I will focus my talents (which through many trials and errors, attempts, and failures - I've found what I'm good at) and to pursue focused talent-based education or hands-on experiences.

Yes, I'm obviously a little bit weary of starting anything new, because everything has been so new that I'm almost sick of it in ways - but I'm also feeling really excited and positive. This might be the path I'd been avoiding my whole life before the accident - before my "reset button" had been pushed by that hard road pavement out in the middle of Kansas last September. 

This is new, but it is a good kind of new. It's not the all-consuming life-shattering type of new, it's the "this is going to grow me for life!" type of new. I'm happy about this! I'm actually looking forward to pursuing my talents and expanding what I know, and how well I perform the talents I already have.

Time to start putting pieces together, and create my new book-of-life.

Surprises of great magnitude

[Dec. 26th, 2013] 

Ever since arriving at my mother's home, I've been continuously astonished by her and my dad's kindness. 

Each day I go about and doddle through trying to figure out what to do in this moment or the next, they patiently and lovingly support every effort I endeavor to tackle. As a matter of fact, my dad cooked dinner today and as I was walking outside down my stairs to their house, my mom was actually calling up to my house to invite me down. When I walked in, she was ringing me and leaving me a message while trying not to giggle. It was really funny, and timely. They were making sure I was fed, and not lonely since my darling boyfriend (who's been my dearest friend throughout all of my troubles, even in times of his own troubles) had left today for the city to do some things that are important to him and those he cares for (including me.)

It's very comforting to know that these strong, healthy-minded, whole-heartedly kind people truly love me and care for me so strongly that they can use their energy and resources to really support me right now. . . in so many ways.

I think that all people in need should be acknowledged, advocated (so they get proper and adequate help for their most necessary needs to be met fully,) and to be supported emotionally and admirably by those who care about them --- without harsh judgments or unkind treatment. Isn't this what all of us Americans consider "Human Rights?" I'm pretty sure by my mere four months of learning and level of competent understanding, that it surely is.

I had a really good day, despite my boyfriend (bf) having left today. My case-worker for my mental-health and general confidant for all of my physical health appointments came by, and even though she was supposed to spend only a certain amount of time with me today we spent about three hours talking about life, the importance of pursuing my goals (both basic and intricate) and to stay positive even though I get those gut-wrenching moments of panic, dismay, and utter distraught feelings when I suddenly feel lost, alone, and completely confused.

Those dramatically heavy feelings are seriously overwhelming when they happen. I say "happen," because it seems to sneak up on me and take over like an invasive sudden thunderstorm. It's like a horror movie, where everyone is in their cabin, safe and warm, and suddenly there's a serial killer lurking outside the window, surmising whose death will be first... it's creepy and it takes over the moment when it happens. It really bites! But, this is precisely why I've sought out professional mental-health help. If it weren't for my case-worker and the place she works for, I'd still be lost, constantly panicky, and always on edge. 

I'm currently, not constantly any of those things. Peace has found me, but those moments of terror still need worked on. (That's where I'm at, on the mental-health front.) For those who are suffering from mental-health issues as a result of the amnesia and all of the traumatic events that take place due to it (loss of identity, loss of perspective, etc) definitely needs looking into and dealt with in order to survive the emotional roller-coaster that is the aftermath of this. People in the amnesiac's life also should talk with someone, so they can get a clearer (less emotional) picture of what they're really facing, and how in-fact to best face these challenges.

I am definitely NOT a health-care or mental-health professional, and even if I were, I cannot definitively tell anyone, anything, about what they're going through, or how to fix it - because each and every experience is uniquely different on so many levels. I CAN however give you advice through sharing what me and my family and friends are going through with my own amnesia.

DO seek outside help.
DO talk about things (especially the uncomfortably awkward stuff.)
DO keep your minds and hearts OPEN... (you don't know how to tackle something new, unless you in fact Face something New, head-on, with kindness and gentle self-control... otherwise, you're going to make things worse by 'expecting,' 'assuming,' or any other form of expectation. Those will let you down, and the person you're pushing them onto... don't do that.)

DON'T expect anything specific or mundane (you will be disappoint-ed/ing.)
DON'T push, coheres, or force the amnesiac (you will Not be helpful - a kind and gentle guiding of a person is fine and good, but do not be pushy.)
DON'T give up on your loved-one, just because they're not "progressing" as quickly as you'd like for them to. (Every case, every injury, and every individual, experiences different and varying layers of effects due to amnesia. It's not fair to assume you know the intricacies of the human-brain, and how quickly or effectively it should heal/recover.) :)

Amnesia - I have it, and I'm here to help. (Me, 3 Months Later)

On September 4th, 2013, my life changed permanently. Three long months ago.

I was on a long walk in the middle of rural Kansas, near my BF's mom's farm. The walk was about three miles from her farm and it was still relatively hot and humid, for in Midwest Summertime can last until October some years. Just at sunset I decided to wander off from my BF who was quite a bit away, to pick the most perfect sunflower...

I didn't make it to the sunflower. I made it to the concrete pavement beneath me. I passed out from heat exhaustion/heat stroke. My head hit the road so hard that my BF could hear it a quarter mile away up the hill from me. My neck bones are injured, and there was a bruise the size of one and a half fists (or the size of a softball, plus an inch or so added on) on the back of my brain.

My poor brain was jostled so hard, in fact, that I have post-concussion syndrome and amnesia. I cannot remember before the accident, and after it, I'm having trouble keeping new memories, and short term memories. I'm getting better slowly, with practice and such... but it's been a nightmare. I am hoping to keep recovering, and keep learning great skills that I'd spent my whole life perfecting, and honing in on. You'll see, I'll bounce back, and hopefully still be able to accomplish the things I some day dream to.

Until then, I'll just write about amnesia, post-concussion, and living life with these issues. It's been odd, informative, eye-opening, and also quite troubling and confusing for me and my whole family. With the trials and errors that we go through, I hope to help others who may have to deal with these things in the future. There's NOT a lot of information out on the Internet about amnesia. There's medical descriptions, and suggestions about "treatment"... but nothing really great to show you any real, or valid, or logical advice on how to ACTUALLY live day to day with it, or with someone dealing with it.

I'm here to share my story, my tribulations, and my triumphs. Hopefully, it will help someone, anyone, anywhere. Nobody deserves to be lost in their greatest times of need. I was lost, and still am in certain aspects, but I've sure learned a heck of a lot! I will share it all with you.

 -Tara- AKA: Babygirly
 from: UpcycleKC (KC,MO) / Emerald City Upcycling (Lake of the Ozarks, MO)