A physical reminder are those precious "things" that we keep to prove that someone was really, physically here and a part of our lives.A memory of the mind is one of those "intangible" things that we simply hold within our thoughts.
When we lost our house, our belongings, our physical memories just a couple of weeks before my TBI accident, it ruined any chance of - at the very least - the ability to cherish those physical memories of things that after being told my life stories, I could keep and appreciate.
My memories of my mind are also gone. There is no real way for anyone to understand the complexities of reconfiguring a life you don't even remember in entirety. There's no depth or measure or fair comparison for me to adequately describe the ways in which it complicates, threatens, and can destroy an entire life of someone whom is still alive.
I am still physically here, but I have nothing of my past to render meaning from. There is nothing to cherish except for the primordial emotional levels in which I contemplate my life stories told to me by 2nd and 3rd parties whom all couldn't possibly be as accurate or as fairly eloquent as my own memories could have been.
The losses I am faced with, and are still with me, cannot have the "closure" and "ending" that a fair death has. When people die, they are said goodbye to, remembered, and experienced one last time at their final resting place. I feel often times like I'm a walking empty coffin. I realize how drastically morbid and dark that would seem for someone to feel about themselves, but it's the truth.
All of the wonderful things I conceptualize, artistically and so forth, doesn't compare to the emptiness of amnesia and the loss of my life's work of collecting physical memories (which are inanimate objects of little physical value/& the simple basics that any self-sufficient adult acquires) and the literal memories of everything that had gotten me to where I was in life when this all occurred.
I am an upbeat and positive, forward thinking person... but this loss is heavy, and it is made worse when each day of my life is full of physical pains that some days I cannot even handle.
Life is effen tough -dare I even say, "unfair," but the underlying truth of it all is:
It is up to EACH of us as individuals to choose how to handle the seriously heavy and sucky things that life throws into our lives. I'm doing my very best not to just collapse under the gravity of my situation. I do my honest to goodness hardest work, every single day. I will not give up - and I'm hoping others going through sincerely rough times can muster the same willingness to thrive.
Here's a crude run-down of just a 'few' of the things those with memory loss issues go through:
*Agitation/Frustration:
We can be easily frustrated because we wish to be more productive and to remember more and do better. We notice when we're not quite "measuring up" to those around us. It makes us feel so frustrated sometimes that the agitation usually looks like anger from the outside.
*Un-comfort-ability:
We can tell in the faces and attitudes of others when we've forgotten something - even the most simple of things can cause others to react with the same agitation/frustration that we have when we're not measuring up. It causes that 'awkward & uncomfy' feeling that can linger.
*Overwhelmed:
Not being able to keep track of the things we know are important and value tends to be quite overwhelming and overbearing at times. There's nothing more we want than to remember more and do better. When we don't, or when we try and cannot, it sends a bit of panic and shock through us.
*Helplessness:
Sometimes that panic and shock of the inability to form lasting or long-term memories can make us feel lost, lonely, helpless, and hopeless. Remembering things is the key to productivity. If we cannot remember things properly, we know and feel that something is "missing" or "unfinished". At times it can be a bit daunting in the emotional-arena.
*Lost:
At times, when we're at a loss for words, thoughts, memories, or solutions, we feel lost. I know when I feel lost it is usually because I've completely forgotten what I was doing, how important it may (or may not) have been, or that something I held in my memory bank suddenly vanishes.
*Confusion:
Many times when there's missing memories, whether long- or short-term, it causes an avalanche in our minds. If we cannot piece together something that makes sense, the end-result is usually confusion (mixed with a few or all of the previous emotions/feelings.)
*Anger:
There's nothing more infuriating than being on-path and then suddenly being derailed in mid-thought/mid-action. Let's say you were writing a very important note and in mid-sentence you completely lost your train of thought and were sitting there perplexed. After numerous times of this (or the importance level of it,) the eventual result (and easiest emotion to feel) is anger. Sometimes, it pops out no matter how demure or strong our self-control is. Sometimes we just have to express it. (Sorry y'all )
*Dismay:
Feeling lost, confused, and overwhelmed can cause the feeling of being dismayed. It's a bit of mental shock, in my opinion. Sometimes, it just captures us and holds us in a state of shut-off. When things get too confusing or too "heavy" we are just stuck (even if only for a mere moment or so) it can feel like an eternity. Kind of like being 4 years old in the grocery store and suddenly your parent(s) are gone and you have a good cry because you have no clue what to do or how to find them.
That's just a 'few' of the things people who have memory-loss issues can feel at any given moment, of any day/night. Sometimes, (I'm not ashamed to admit this) I get "lost" on my way to use the restroom or get a glass of water... it can happen at any time.
(Thank GOODNESS I have a loving partner (and parents) who love and guide me whenever it's needed.)
Until next blog -Tara-
