Memories are the stories that people internally tell themselves over and over to remind them who they are and why they've become the person they have grown to be.
Amnesia took those stories from me.
Amnesia stole some of my identity by erasing those stories from my mind.
If I could get them back and have what was my life flowing through my mind again, I'm sure I'd be a different person, perhaps more like I was prior to this injury. I can't say whether that would be either good or bad, or anything... because after just over a year now, almost nothing has returned to my "memory bank" from the life I'd lived prior to this.
I mourn what I don't know, even though that sounds absurd, it is part of my daily life. I don't know what to do other than live each day to the best abilities I have and to continue onward, but I often pause and wonder what & how things would be different in my life if those memories were properly back in place instead of fragmented and obscure in the tiny flashes I have "remembered".
Nothing is certain with memories, brain injury, and the future, but I'd sure like to believe that I am still everything I'd become because of the memories I cannot recall, even though I cannot recall them. I'd like to believe that I'm stronger because of living through adversities... I'm not sure if either are true or false, and that puts me in an odd position emotionally. I feel as though I'm obligated to remember things of my past before the TBI. I feel as though I'm expected by others to be everything I was before this.
In all honesty, I'm not the same as the Tara that's been described to me. I can empathize with why I/"she" was the way I/"she" was due to the things I/"she" had to go through... but I'm not the same. I suppose not knowing me well before or since the TBI, you'd have no clue what I'm really trying to describe, but I assure you - losing memories does change people. Even though I wish it didn't.
Being called "a different Tara" and all that... it can be pretty heavy and sad. I'm me, but nobody around me seems to know me, and I don't seem to know them as well as they'd expect of me to.
Amnesia pretty much sucks...
On the positive side, this amnesia is giving anyone who wants to, another chance to get to know me and who/what I am now. 2nd chances don't come often for most people, but this has opened up a new possibility for everyone who was in my life prior to this TBI junk. I think that's something to be happy about, and I am happy about it. The people who I meant a lot to, they now have a clean slate, a new bucket for which to fill with new memories of the "new" Tara. I think it's exciting, even if it is a little strange, uncomfortable at times, and downright weird at other times - it's still a really great chance to renew friendships and extend passed the negatives that may have once stood in our way of getting closer to one another.
Silver linings, folks, everything is brimming with silver linings. ;)
Until next blog! You're not alone, and you're not being defeated unless you allow it to be so. <3 & XO's
