Saturday, February 1, 2014

"getting lost" & what it means to me (Tara)

Things are not always 'certain' in my day-to-day living.

By that, I mean: Sometimes I get 'lost' when I'm doing things, going places, grabbing something from the fridge, et cetera. It happens a lot more often than the normal moments of, "what was I going to the kitchen to get?" When it surpassed the "normal" section in my head and skipped straight to "life-altering" is how I knew that this wasn't just something that happens, it is in fact part of my injury and amnesia-side effects.

Not everyone has perfect memory. Matter of fact, almost none of us do. The scariest part of my "getting lost" is that I truly am lost in that moment. I don't know where I am at, what it is I'm doing/was going to do, and I'm almost always doing something slightly important (like: feeding the cat, grabbing a snack because my sugar levels are dropping fast, etc) so those moments aren't so horrific as others. The horrific moments are much worse. Just yesterday (on our way in our truck - traveling into PA for a mini-cation) we were driving along the interstate heading to our destination and I was snapping photos of things along the highway. (Mostly, I was photographing the landscapes and how pretty the mountain tops are in PA.)

I had gotten "lost" and Mark noticed. (Mark is my future husband.) Mark looked over at me and saw that I was dazed and staring off with a puzzled look on my face and fear in my eyes from confusion. He said, "Babygirly, we're on our way through Pennsylvania, and you were taking photos. You're okay." Of course, it was nice to hear that I was okay, and to be reminded of what I was doing - but at the same time, it's quite scary having to have someone else inform me of what I'm doing and where I'm at. (It's worse when it happens and I'm all alone, though. So, there's the "glad I wasn't alone" portion of 'glee' in my mind - but still, pretty intense happenings.)

After that, my photos just weren't turning out quite right - some were blurred, some were just really bad ones, and it hit me..... "What if I can't take enough photos to help me remember great trips and good times like this one!?" THAT, is a horrific thought! I instantly started to cry. Mark somehow just 'knew' why. Sometimes I think he's psychic, but maybe it's just how well he's known me before and after(during) amnesia. He just seems to always 'know' what's up with me. (Ok, to be fair, he ALMOST always seems to just 'know'... heehee)

During that moment of thinking the thought about never being able to take enough photos to "remind" me of my own memories - not such a great moment, but one that impacted me greatly - and probably always will. (Some moments of my life stay pretty clear and active in my memories, and some things just pass on through, no matter how badly I want them to stay put.)

There might not be a cure, a treatment, or even a real diagnosis for everything I'm going through, but I know - at the very least - I'm Not the only person in the world to experience these things. Some of my 'amnesia-side effects' are pretty similar to things non-amnesiacs go through every single day. Haphazardly forgetting why you're staring into the fridge... misplacing things that're really in your hand/pocket/bag... wondering what it was I just told myself I wanted to watch on Hulu... etc. Those things are as frightening as the moments of 'getting lost' that happen far too often for my comfort.

I'm still hopeful (as always) but I must remind myself that not everything will come back (if ANY thing does at all) and that I must remain calm as much as possible (which isn't easy whatsoever!) Until next type, Loveys!