Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Identity, how to give yourself to yourself

I've been struggling off and on with the concept of "Identity" and what it means to me.

Last night, I had to make a hard choice about my aesthetic self... my outward appearance. I made the choice to cut a portion (a large portion) of my beautiful hair off. The truth is, a portion of my skull/scalp is still reeling in pain, and the weight, movement, and having to brush my hair was just too much to handle. The pressure and constant pain it was causing was enough to say 'goodbye' to part of it.

Of course, being a natural artist, I've made it work for me, but it was still a very shocking experience, and a really hard decision to finally make after months of contending with the pro's and con's.

Identity... what does it mean?
To me, it means that someone recognizes attributes, attitudes, habits, and/or nuances in others/themselves, that they identify personally with. Either a belief or an action... whatever "it" is, it's something that someone sees in themselves as part of who they are.

Well... nothing about an individual needs to be put into a "box", but it is nice to have parameters to give a clear guideline of what I'm perceiving day-to-day. I know I'm a great many things, and none of them need to have labels or groups to fit into. I'm just me. And, being just me, whatever that truly means, is absolutely fine with me. I'm not trying to find some missing niche that I'm "supposed to fit into" or "be a part of"... I'm just me, I just do what feels right for myself and my interests/desires.

If you, or your loved one, is struggling with "trying to find themselves" please DO remind them that there's a healthy way to naturally figure it out and that they (you) do NOT need to rush it, or force it, or even seek it out really.... just let it happen, naturally and organically let yourself be who you are. You'll find that you'll just start being drawn to the things that make you individually who and what you are as a unique human being. There's no need to rush into who you are, because frankly, you already Are who you are.

I took the pressure off of myself by coming to that conclusion. Nobody (people without amnesia) rushes around frantically searching for who they are inside themselves, they just live day-to-day naturally being drawn to and being who they've always been. 

Memories being gone - well, as much as it sucks it still cannot take you out of yourself. That's something I've noticed in myself. I'm still the kind, generous, open-hearted, open-minded, all-encompassing person I used to be before amnesia - but in my case - all my insecurities and a lot of the negative attributes I clung to in the past are gone. Those leeches of despair and self-doubt are all dead and gone. In my case, amnesia "fixed" some of the most major flaws I had in my character. For myself and my family/friends/loved ones, it's been a bit of a 'blessing'. :)

Take what you've "lost" and replace it with everything you want to be right now. 
There's no rules. 
There is NO right or wrong here. 
Just have fun being who you've always been. 
Truly let your life start again... even though it's scary and really harsh. Once everything stops being so "new" and "crazy".. it'll start feeling "normal" to you, and you'll start to understand that not everything in life has a set of rules or standards to live by. 

Some things are just random and can be a positive experience instead of a tragic one. Use this "newness" to create a whole new future. (One that perhaps the "old you" might not have had the freedom to choose.) Use this as your platform for a new beginning. Use what you know about the "old you" as tools to build upon the you that you are.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

2014 - Another chance to start off Great!!! :-D

The saying goes: "May the road come up to meet you, and the wind ever be at your back." 

I didn't think it could mean anything but a kind regard for easy travels... until the road literally came up and met my skull. (laughing) It's not an easy subject to write about, while in the midst of all it's horrible side-effects, but I think I'm doing rather well with the day to day stuff now. Amnesia was difficult to accept, and for the people who love and care about me to accept, but here we are. 

Many trials and harsh days and nights ago I was in a world of confusion, self-absorption, and turmoil.

Now, with the help of professionals, my loving family, my kind and generous friends, and a lot of patience on my own part - we've come to a point of choices for me. It's time for me to choose where I will focus my talents (which through many trials and errors, attempts, and failures - I've found what I'm good at) and to pursue focused talent-based education or hands-on experiences.

Yes, I'm obviously a little bit weary of starting anything new, because everything has been so new that I'm almost sick of it in ways - but I'm also feeling really excited and positive. This might be the path I'd been avoiding my whole life before the accident - before my "reset button" had been pushed by that hard road pavement out in the middle of Kansas last September. 

This is new, but it is a good kind of new. It's not the all-consuming life-shattering type of new, it's the "this is going to grow me for life!" type of new. I'm happy about this! I'm actually looking forward to pursuing my talents and expanding what I know, and how well I perform the talents I already have.

Time to start putting pieces together, and create my new book-of-life.