Thursday, July 31, 2014

A bit of rant and explination

Some idiots believe that Amnesia makes someone dumb.

No, it's idiots who believe that a brain injury that causes memories to be erased somehow correlates with being less intelligent that make me believe someone is "dumb". 

Actually, the truth is - seeing everything with un-biased vision and clarity gives me a distinct advantage over most other people.

I see things for what they are, not how I have convinced myself over years and years of environmental conditioning to see things.

I don't attach emotions to subjects, events, or people...not in the ways I would if my memories were in-tact... which means I can see it all for what/how/and who they really are.

Don't underestimate the power of clear perception. You'd be surprised how very well I am aware. You'd be surprised how I keep track of everything and everyone, and all of the intricate details.

Don't 'look down' on people with amnesia, we have some very huge advantages that many other people may Never get to experience or even comprehend. (No, we're not "better than" anything or anyone... but we're definitely NOT "less than".)
I DO care about those I choose to care about - the rest of humanity has my empathy - not apathy. I just wanted to be clear on that. I'm not some sort of sociopath that doesn't feel. No, I'm quite the opposite. I feel a LOT for people I don't know & situations that make my heart quake. 

That doesn't mean that I can attach old memory-caused emotions to someone currently. That's impossible for me to do. SO - yes, while amnesia causes memories to be erased, I can still feel for people - I just make a distinction between what I feel now about someone rather than what they expect of me according to whatever past we've shared. 

There's a big difference - I'm not sure if I'm explaining it clearly - I'm sure I'm not. 
I'll put it this way - I cannot feel something about someone the same way currently as I would if my memories about them were still accessible. I may look at someone who had been a close friend before amnesia, and not feel the deep connection we may have had prior to my TBI. I may meet a perfect stranger and become fast friends, and feel for them the ways I may have felt for an actual old-friend. See? Make any sense at all?

I'm trying to describe something that almost nobody I know is experiencing, in ways that would make sense to someone who doesn't have amnesia, which I do have.... it's like a monkey trying to speak plant, to a plant that's never been a monkey - and that monkey's never been a plant. It's hard to see both sides clearly enough to explain things properly. 

In all honesty, I'm still often surprised when people react to certain things with (or without) emotional attachments. It astounds me the things that people truly attach feelings to - things that I don't comprehend the real reasoning for - and there's things that I'm thoroughly surprised people Do Not attach feelings to. But, we are all different, we've all experienced this world in so many varying ways and degrees.. I'm not judging others for that - no way.

I'm not perfect, I cannot see EVERYTHING perfectly, but I do see a very clear difference between my perception of how things are, how things have happened, & how things look/seem, compared to people who literally cannot see things the way I do. That's perfectly fine, until I'm called out as "less than" someone else, or "less intelligent" because of amnesia. I have to clarify - it is NOT okay to assume that memory is directly correlated to intelligence, or vise-versa. 

There are certain things about all of this brain stuff, that just may never make any sense to anyone. 

That doesn't give anyone the right or the reason to attack someone's mental-abilities. If someone had diabetes, I wouldn't assume that their taste pallet was inferior to someone without diabetes. I wouldn't assume that someone allergic to cats does not have the capacity to love animals.

There are certain aspects of our perceptions that dictate how we make decisions, while other aspects determine how we emotionally react or physically react, but memories are only a small portion of the overall ways in which our brains interpret information. Some people use Mainly memories to base their assessments and judgement about whatever this's or that's... but those of us who don't have that choice find other means of discernment. 

Let's say I used to know someone - & that someone committed a crime. I wouldn't associate that person with whatever I used to know about them, because I no longer know whatever I used to know about them. I will associate them for being a criminal. ---- And, I truly hope this clears any confusion up about my previous statement.

~*~ Until next blog ~*~

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Self-Doubt and Self-Dilution

We all start out on this journey without a "fair chance" at life, and without "clearly marked" paths. This seems to be common-knowledge.
It took me a little while, but I finally saw this and had to take some time to let it truly sink-in - in order to apply it to what I'm going through and understand what this means to and for me.

At times, we all innately realize that some questions never have answers and that some instincts never get to be utilized. (Meaning: Sometimes the urges and instincts we have don't get used, the energy they're comprised of doesn't get burnt off.)

We're left feeling "incomplete" or "wanting/needing" for some unexplained 'thing' that we can't quite feel "settled" about. We're left with an anxiousness from the residues of these unfulfilled reoccurring feelings and energy not being used the ways it is meant to be used. We're left with a bit of emptiness, longing for closure, and a sense that something hasn't been 'finished'..

This is the closest analogy to amnesia, and the feelings of an emptiness, things unsaid, unremembered & unknown, and the feeling like there is no closure about losing part of myself to an uncontrollable force (TBI)
There's no comfort in knowing that my memories may never return and that the things in my memories that connected me to important experiences in my past, and the people involved, may never be 'recovered'. I use the word "recover(ed)" in the sense of healing, or being made whole again. My relationships, and the memories that gave them all meaning, isn't within my mind anymore. Not only is that confusing to many who can't grasp the concept, but it's frustrating to me as the person who feels these losses so deeply.

Memories aren't just "reminders" of things once that have happened prior to now. Memories are tangible (in the mind's eye) evidence and connections to the experiences as a whole. They connect us to emotions felt during circumstances involving people who were there, or that things were talked about - etc- etc -etc... you get it. Memories are literally chords of music that comprise a song at the end of being compiled in the mind. The chords all added together make the song of our lives connecting. This is why I feel such loss. I didn't just lose memories, I lost connections, emotions, relationships, etc.

So what do these concepts and facts have to do with "Self-Doubt" and "Self-Dilution"..? Well, here's the short of it...

When there are too many unanswerable questions that start adding up, I tend to start questioning myself. I should not be doing that. Not only does it make me doubt my talents and abilities, but it puts fear into me that I'm not fully doing all I can to make myself and my life better. The last part is simply untrue - I'm definitely doing all I can to improve my situation and my health. I'm also doing my best not to harm others in the pursuit of my own happiness and purpose.

I've been seeing others whom are not so wise on this notion. People whom are destroying themselves, one doubt-filled thought after another. Each thought poisoning their ability to use their passion for what they truly believe it should be applied to. DON'T let this happen to YOU.

On the journey for "making sense" of things, don't over-think things too much. You might find yourself doubting Yourself! That isn't healthy, and it isn't productive. Focus on what's actually happening instead of trying to make sense of everything else that has already happened. You won't find answers for the future by staring into the past. It doesn't work this way, even though we'd think that logically it would.... it simply doesn't.

Don't dilute yourself by focusing on the things you're missing or have lost. Focus on the opportunities to have whole new relationships and experiences to build upon. Let your friends and loved ones know that you want a "fresh start" with them - at least they know you still want them in your life, and if they're willing to go forward, they're probably worth staying friends with!