What amnesiacs (may) go through day-to-day

Here's a crude run-down of just a 'few' of the things those with memory loss issues go through:

*Agitation/Frustration: 

We can be easily frustrated because we wish to be more productive and to remember more and do better. We notice when we're not quite "measuring up" to those around us. It makes us feel so frustrated sometimes that the agitation usually looks like anger from the outside.

*Un-comfort-ability: 

We can tell in the faces and attitudes of others when we've forgotten something - even the most simple of things can cause others to react with the same agitation/frustration that we have when we're not measuring up. It causes that 'awkward & uncomfy' feeling that can linger.

*Overwhelmed: 

Not being able to keep track of the things we know are important and value tends to be quite overwhelming and overbearing at times. There's nothing more we want than to remember more and do better. When we don't, or when we try and cannot, it sends a bit of panic and shock through us.

*Helplessness: 

Sometimes that panic and shock of the inability to form lasting or long-term memories can make us feel lost, lonely, helpless, and hopeless. Remembering things is the key to productivity. If we cannot remember things properly, we know and feel that something is "missing" or "unfinished". At times it can be a bit daunting in the emotional-arena.

*Lost: 

At times, when we're at a loss for words, thoughts, memories, or solutions, we feel lost. I know when I feel lost it is usually because I've completely forgotten what I was doing, how important it may (or may not) have been, or that something I held in my memory bank suddenly vanishes.

*Confusion: 

Many times when there's missing memories, whether long- or short-term, it causes an avalanche in our minds. If we cannot piece together something that makes sense, the end-result is usually confusion (mixed with a few or all of the previous emotions/feelings.)

*Anger: 

There's nothing more infuriating than being on-path and then suddenly being derailed in mid-thought/mid-action. Let's say you were writing a very important note and in mid-sentence you completely lost your train of thought and were sitting there perplexed. After numerous times of this (or the importance level of it,) the eventual result (and easiest emotion to feel) is anger. Sometimes, it pops out no matter how demure or strong our self-control is. Sometimes we just have to express it. (Sorry y'all )

*Dismay: 

Feeling lost, confused, and overwhelmed can cause the feeling of being dismayed. It's a bit of mental shock, in my opinion. Sometimes, it just captures us and holds us in a state of shut-off. When things get too confusing or too "heavy" we are just stuck (even if only for a mere moment or so) it can feel like an eternity. Kind of like being 4 years old in the grocery store and suddenly your parent(s) are gone and you have a good cry because you have no clue what to do or how to find them.

That's just a 'few' of the things people who have memory-loss issues can feel at any given moment, of any day/night. Sometimes, (I'm not ashamed to admit this) I get "lost" on my way to use the restroom or get a glass of water... it can happen at any time. 

(Thank GOODNESS I have a loving partner (and parents) who love and guide me whenever it's needed.) 

Until next blog -Tara-

Memory vs Identity... again...

Memories are the stories that people internally tell themselves over and over to remind them who they are and why they've become the person they have grown to be.
Amnesia took those stories from me. 
Amnesia stole some of my identity by erasing those stories from my mind.

If I could get them back and have what was my life flowing through my mind again, I'm sure I'd be a different person, perhaps more like I was prior to this injury. I can't say whether that would be either good or bad, or anything... because after just over a year now, almost nothing has returned to my "memory bank" from the life I'd lived prior to this.

I mourn what I don't know, even though that sounds absurd, it is part of my daily life. I don't know what to do other than live each day to the best abilities I have and to continue onward, but I often pause and wonder what & how things would be different in my life if those memories were properly back in place instead of fragmented and obscure in the tiny flashes I have "remembered".

Nothing is certain with memories, brain injury, and the future, but I'd sure like to believe that I am still everything I'd become because of the memories I cannot recall, even though I cannot recall them. I'd like to believe that I'm stronger because of living through adversities... I'm not sure if either are true or false, and that puts me in an odd position emotionally. I feel as though I'm obligated to remember things of my past before the TBI. I feel as though I'm expected by others to be everything I was before this.

In all honesty, I'm not the same as the Tara that's been described to me. I can empathize with why I/"she" was the way I/"she" was due to the things I/"she" had to go through... but I'm not the same. I suppose not knowing me well before or since the TBI, you'd have no clue what I'm really trying to describe, but I assure you - losing memories does change people. Even though I wish it didn't.

Being called "a different Tara" and all that... it can be pretty heavy and sad. I'm me, but nobody around me seems to know me, and I don't seem to know them as well as they'd expect of me to.

Amnesia pretty much sucks...

On the positive side, this amnesia is giving anyone who wants to, another chance to get to know me and who/what I am now. 2nd chances don't come often for most people, but this has opened up a new possibility for everyone who was in my life prior to this TBI junk. I think that's something to be happy about, and I am happy about it. The people who I meant a lot to, they now have a clean slate, a new bucket for which to fill with new memories of the "new" Tara. I think it's exciting, even if it is a little strange, uncomfortable at times, and downright weird at other times - it's still a really great chance to renew friendships and extend passed the negatives that may have once stood in our way of getting closer to one another.

Silver linings, folks, everything is brimming with silver linings. ;)

Until next blog! You're not alone, and you're not being defeated unless you allow it to be so. <3 & XO's

A short conversation that sparked a bit of thought

This is part of a conversation a friend of mine and myself had via online chat:

My Friend:
"Life..."
"Why were we born?"

Me (Tara):
"Because no energy can dissipate, it can only change into something else - otherwise, I dunno..?"

My Friend:
"If someone really created us he or she is one evil asshole ... sadistic."

Me (Tara):
"Or far less "emotional" than we can contemplate..."

"Perhaps something so "intelligent" has less need of emotional aspects..?"

"There is something about knowledge that strips me of emotion, in various ways, so I'd imagine something THAT smart wouldn't have much need of any emotions at all."

My Friend:
"I am more intelligent than an ant but i don't enjoy watching it being tortured"

Me (Tara):
"True, but our nature of emotions is for self-preservation, not for creation purposes."

"What prompts humanity to "create"? I believe it is the need or want of something, not for the pure creation of it..."

This train of thought and the following conversation brought my mind to the theory of intention. We can all easily see what that is with a simple search, it's the belief that thoughts, intentions, words, etc, have energy/vibrations and that they effect the world around us.

I stumbled upon this video while searching through sciency-stuffs that I'm interested in... and I think it explains far better than I could, about how words, thoughts, and energy from within us effects water molecules and how they form crystals when frozen. I found it compelling to say the least - so I'm sharing it below.

(Dr. Masaru Emoto's HADO water crystal video)

In my personal opinion, I've felt that thoughts, words, intentions, and "prayer" does more good than harm, any day. Perhaps I'm not definitively going anywhere with this post, but I thought I'd jot it down before it escaped my mind.
Until Next Blog,
~Tara~

A bit of rant and explination

Some idiots believe that Amnesia makes someone dumb.

No, it's idiots who believe that a brain injury that causes memories to be erased somehow correlates with being less intelligent that make me believe someone is "dumb". 

Actually, the truth is - seeing everything with un-biased vision and clarity gives me a distinct advantage over most other people.

I see things for what they are, not how I have convinced myself over years and years of environmental conditioning to see things.

I don't attach emotions to subjects, events, or people...not in the ways I would if my memories were in-tact... which means I can see it all for what/how/and who they really are.

Don't underestimate the power of clear perception. You'd be surprised how very well I am aware. You'd be surprised how I keep track of everything and everyone, and all of the intricate details.

Don't 'look down' on people with amnesia, we have some very huge advantages that many other people may Never get to experience or even comprehend. (No, we're not "better than" anything or anyone... but we're definitely NOT "less than".)

I DO care about those I choose to care about - the rest of humanity has my empathy - not apathy. I just wanted to be clear on that. I'm not some sort of sociopath that doesn't feel. No, I'm quite the opposite. I feel a LOT for people I don't know & situations that make my heart quake. 

That doesn't mean that I can attach old memory-caused emotions to someone currently. That's impossible for me to do. SO - yes, while amnesia causes memories to be erased, I can still feel for people - I just make a distinction between what I feel now about someone rather than what they expect of me according to whatever past we've shared. 

There's a big difference - I'm not sure if I'm explaining it clearly - I'm sure I'm not. 

_________________________________________________________________

I'll put it this way - I cannot feel something about someone the same way currently as I would if my memories about them were still accessible. I may look at someone who had been a close friend before amnesia, and not feel the deep connection we may have had prior to my TBI. I may meet a perfect stranger and become fast friends, and feel for them the ways I may have felt for an actual old-friend. See? Make any sense at all?

I'm trying to describe something that almost nobody I know is experiencing, in ways that would make sense to someone who doesn't have amnesia, which I do have.... it's like a monkey trying to speak plant, to a plant that's never been a monkey - and that monkey's never been a plant. It's hard to see both sides clearly enough to explain things properly. 

In all honesty, I'm still often surprised when people react to certain things with (or without) emotional attachments. It astounds me the things that people truly attach feelings to - things that I don't comprehend the real reasoning for - and there's things that I'm thoroughly surprised people Do Not attach feelings to. But, we are all different, we've all experienced this world in so many varying ways and degrees.. I'm not judging others for that - no way.

I'm not perfect, I cannot see EVERYTHING perfectly, but I do see a very clear difference between my perception of how things are, how things have happened, & how things look/seem, compared to people who literally cannot see things the way I do. That's perfectly fine, until I'm called out as "less than" someone else, or "less intelligent" because of amnesia. I have to clarify - it is NOT okay to assume that memory is directly correlated to intelligence, or vise-versa. 

There are certain things about all of this brain stuff, that just may never make any sense to anyone. 

That doesn't give anyone the right or the reason to attack someone's mental-abilities. If someone had diabetes, I wouldn't assume that their taste pallet was inferior to someone without diabetes. I wouldn't assume that someone allergic to cats does not have the capacity to love animals.

There are certain aspects of our perceptions that dictate how we make decisions, while other aspects determine how we emotionally react or physically react, but memories are only a small portion of the overall ways in which our brains interpret information. Some people use Mainly memories to base their assessments and judgement about whatever this's or that's... but those of us who don't have that choice find other means of discernment. 

Let's say I used to know someone - & that someone committed a crime. I wouldn't associate that person with whatever I used to know about them, because I no longer know whatever I used to know about them. I will associate them for being a criminal. ---- And, I truly hope this clears any confusion up about my previous statement.

~*~ Until next blog ~*~

Self-Doubt and Self-Dilution

We all start out on this journey without a "fair chance" at life, and without "clearly marked" paths. This seems to be common-knowledge.
It took me a little while, but I finally saw this and had to take some time to let it truly sink-in - in order to apply it to what I'm going through and understand what this means to and for me.

At times, we all innately realize that some questions never have answers and that some instincts never get to be utilized. (Meaning: Sometimes the urges and instincts we have don't get used, the energy they're comprised of doesn't get burnt off.)

We're left feeling "incomplete" or "wanting/needing" for some unexplained 'thing' that we can't quite feel "settled" about. We're left with an anxiousness from the residues of these unfulfilled reoccurring feelings and energy not being used the ways it is meant to be used. We're left with a bit of emptiness, longing for closure, and a sense that something hasn't been 'finished'..

This is the closest analogy to amnesia, and the feelings of an emptiness, things unsaid, unremembered & unknown, and the feeling like there is no closure about losing part of myself to an uncontrollable force (TBI). There's no comfort in knowing that my memories may never return and that the things in my memories that connected me to important experiences in my past, and the people involved, may never be 'recovered'. I use the word "recover(ed)" in the sense of healing, or being made whole again. My relationships, and the memories that gave them all meaning, isn't within my mind anymore. Not only is that confusing to many who can't grasp the concept, but it's frustrating to me as the person who feels these losses so deeply.

Memories aren't just "reminders" of things once that have happened prior to now. Memories are tangible (in the mind's eye) evidence and connections to the experiences as a whole. They connect us to emotions felt during circumstances involving people who were there, or that things were talked about - etc- etc -etc... you get it. Memories are literally chords of music that comprise a song at the end of being compiled in the mind. The chords all added together make the song of our lives connecting. This is why I feel such loss. I didn't just lose memories, I lost connections, emotions, relationships, etc.
So what do these concepts and facts have to do with "Self-Doubt" and "Self-Dilution"..? Well, here's the short of it...

When there are too many unanswerable questions that start adding up, I tend to start questioning myself. I should not be doing that. Not only does it make me doubt my talents and abilities, but it puts fear into me that I'm not fully doing all I can to make myself and my life better. The last part is simply untrue - I'm definitely doing all I can to improve my situation and my health. I'm also doing my best not to harm others in the pursuit of my own happiness and purpose.

I've been seeing others whom are not so wise on this notion. People whom are destroying themselves, one doubt-filled thought after another. Each thought poisoning their ability to use their passion for what they truly believe it should be applied to. DON'T let this happen to YOU.

On the journey for "making sense" of things, don't over-think things too much. You might find yourself doubting Yourself! That isn't healthy, and it isn't productive. Focus on what's actually happening instead of trying to make sense of everything else that has already happened. You won't find answers for the future by staring into the past. It doesn't work this way, even though we'd think that logically it would.... it simply doesn't.

Don't dilute yourself by focusing on the things you're missing or have lost. Focus on the opportunities to have whole new relationships and experiences to build upon. Let your friends and loved ones know that you want a "fresh start" with them - at least they know you still want them in your life, and if they're willing to go forward, they're probably worth staying friends with! :)

Identity, how hard it is to convey what I'm going through

Truly getting someone to understand an experience (ongoing experience) is one of the hardest things for us Human Beings to do... here are my thoughts about it:

If y'all didn't know, I'm in a few groups that are specifically for people like me, or people helping people like me, with TBI's, brain injuries of all kinds...

I try and assist with advice where I have experience, as often as possible, but I find myself asking more questions internally than I feel I am able to answer. Sure, this happens all of the time, to pretty much all of us (even y'all without brain issues) & sometimes pretty often.

The thing is, though, despite frustrations about stuff that nobody can crawl in and answer for me... I find that most people seeking answers about helping themselves or others with brain injuries, well, we're all in-the-dark about how to truly express what we're experiencing, what we're seeing others experiencing, or how to adequately convey how it can affect our lives in all-encompassing and long-term ways.

None of us can experience what someone else is, no matter how much we care for them, no matter how much exposure to them we have, and no matter how much empathy we feel with them. We simply cannot understand and comprehend every aspect of an experience someone else is having. Impossible (as of yet.)

How then, is a medical community full of anxiously awaiting professionals supposed to clearly see/know what it is we're actually going through in our day-to-day lives?

How are our Dr's supposed to know what we mean by, "I can't sleep when I need to" or, "I'm not eating well"...? Both of which could mean SO many different things for each and every patient with numerous and deeply differing brain injuries that each affect us all differently.

"I can't sleep when I need to" could mean to me that 'I simply cannot fall asleep no matter how tired I am...' and to someone else it could mean, 'I fall asleep but cannot stay asleep' - which are two wholly differing things.

I cannot help but wonder how in the world any of us has kept of surviving brain injuries, but I'm sure glad we have... I'll be even more grateful to be alive when the medical community fully comprehends how intensely life-altering brain injuries are to the patients, and especially to anyone who is needed in order to help them to survive life with a TBI.

Dark Days of Headaches and Insomnia

Sometimes sleep eludes me, and the pain that follows makes me want to be asleep for months at a time... or until the pain stops.

Today's somber post is about pain associated with TBI (traumatic brain injury) & PCD (Postconcussive Disorder) :

Not all headaches are felt equally. Some people have minor aching, some have throbbing, some have nausea, some have light &/or sound sensitivity, some keep you up at night, some cause dizziness... etc... sometimes though, the headaches are all of thee above, and then some. These all-encompassing headaches are unbearable.

The 'all-encompassing' headaches are the ones I am plagued with.

I'm a firm believer that BEFORE subjecting myself to medications (which I find to be quite extreme) I try homeopathy, aromatherapy, light and sound therapy, and touch-therapy First. If all of these fail, then I know I'm not out of the woods just yet.. there's always a pill to take that will dull the roar of these astoundingly painful headaches... but I hate them -I know, I used the word "hate" which I don't like to do, but - - - I Hate medicines. Meds make me feel more ill after I've taken them, even if they do what they're meant to do. In this example, pain medication taking away pain, but giving more undesirable results instead.

Seems sometimes, that no matter how careful and healthy you're being, and no matter what you do, you'll still have to struggle. This has been my case, so far.. sadly. I truly hoped somehow that I'd be able to cheer people up about such an uneasy term of life. In this case, head injury and what happens after the fact. Amnesia - well - we all are aware that not even the most adept Neurologist can "fix" the brain or even know entirely all of the brain's functions and how exactly they work together. I can't speculate how to "fix" amnesia, and I'm still trying to figure out HOW to LIVE WITH IT.... it's NOT easy.

-Reduction of my social interactions has helped, but it's also made me very lonely.
-Reduction of stress only causes MORE stress, because those around me who don't understand what I'm experiencing, don't want to change their habits just to suffice to my issues... which makes sense. *(I know I'd do my best to help someone if the situation were reversed, but I'd feel kind of obligated - as in, I'd do it, but I wouldn't be happy about it. We ALL know how that ends up most of the times. With bitterness and sour feelings.)
-Reduction of stressors, well... pfffft! That's about as easy as finding an honest politician. ( ha! ) Stress is everywhere, and the things that cause it are what seemingly keeps America alive. (Just my jaded opinion here, don't take what I say as gospel.)

In all, I'd LOVE to tell everyone who's experiencing these things that there is hope out there, a solution to this ever-evolving problem, but, I think it is a personal-circle issue now. The Dr's have all told me there's no "fixing" my headaches, body pains, nerve damages, or my amnesia/memory issues, so I'm forced to find ways to make my own life better. I'm not sure HOW to, but I'm trying with all my might to make this life of mine bearable enough to have a quality of living.

With cancer that is returning, and all of the things it's caused in my body, on top of this head injury stuff and memory loss, I'm not sure how I manage to even write in this blog once or twice a month.

I guess I'm just venting here....