Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Self-Doubt and Self-Dilution

We all start out on this journey without a "fair chance" at life, and without "clearly marked" paths. This seems to be common-knowledge.
It took me a little while, but I finally saw this and had to take some time to let it truly sink-in - in order to apply it to what I'm going through and understand what this means to and for me.

At times, we all innately realize that some questions never have answers and that some instincts never get to be utilized. (Meaning: Sometimes the urges and instincts we have don't get used, the energy they're comprised of doesn't get burnt off.)

We're left feeling "incomplete" or "wanting/needing" for some unexplained 'thing' that we can't quite feel "settled" about. We're left with an anxiousness from the residues of these unfulfilled reoccurring feelings and energy not being used the ways it is meant to be used. We're left with a bit of emptiness, longing for closure, and a sense that something hasn't been 'finished'..

This is the closest analogy to amnesia, and the feelings of an emptiness, things unsaid, unremembered & unknown, and the feeling like there is no closure about losing part of myself to an uncontrollable force (TBI)
There's no comfort in knowing that my memories may never return and that the things in my memories that connected me to important experiences in my past, and the people involved, may never be 'recovered'. I use the word "recover(ed)" in the sense of healing, or being made whole again. My relationships, and the memories that gave them all meaning, isn't within my mind anymore. Not only is that confusing to many who can't grasp the concept, but it's frustrating to me as the person who feels these losses so deeply.

Memories aren't just "reminders" of things once that have happened prior to now. Memories are tangible (in the mind's eye) evidence and connections to the experiences as a whole. They connect us to emotions felt during circumstances involving people who were there, or that things were talked about - etc- etc -etc... you get it. Memories are literally chords of music that comprise a song at the end of being compiled in the mind. The chords all added together make the song of our lives connecting. This is why I feel such loss. I didn't just lose memories, I lost connections, emotions, relationships, etc.

So what do these concepts and facts have to do with "Self-Doubt" and "Self-Dilution"..? Well, here's the short of it...

When there are too many unanswerable questions that start adding up, I tend to start questioning myself. I should not be doing that. Not only does it make me doubt my talents and abilities, but it puts fear into me that I'm not fully doing all I can to make myself and my life better. The last part is simply untrue - I'm definitely doing all I can to improve my situation and my health. I'm also doing my best not to harm others in the pursuit of my own happiness and purpose.

I've been seeing others whom are not so wise on this notion. People whom are destroying themselves, one doubt-filled thought after another. Each thought poisoning their ability to use their passion for what they truly believe it should be applied to. DON'T let this happen to YOU.

On the journey for "making sense" of things, don't over-think things too much. You might find yourself doubting Yourself! That isn't healthy, and it isn't productive. Focus on what's actually happening instead of trying to make sense of everything else that has already happened. You won't find answers for the future by staring into the past. It doesn't work this way, even though we'd think that logically it would.... it simply doesn't.

Don't dilute yourself by focusing on the things you're missing or have lost. Focus on the opportunities to have whole new relationships and experiences to build upon. Let your friends and loved ones know that you want a "fresh start" with them - at least they know you still want them in your life, and if they're willing to go forward, they're probably worth staying friends with!