Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Daily Search...

I read an awful lot about amnesia, and I do so quite often.

Looking for answers can become an obsession, so I have to be careful what I spend my energies focused on, and whether it's actually helping me grow, learn, or heal. Growth, Learning, and Healing, are the three things I'm focusing mostly on. I've read everything from questions asked by random peoples about every facet of amnesia - like, "Why can amnesiacs remember how to eat and walk, but not who they are or their family?"... with answers talking about areas of the brain, nervous system, and lymbic responses in the brain...

It can all become a confusing mass of technical medical speak, and terms that only make sense if you actually study the subject... it's exhausting, honestly. So, why keep pressing onward and hurting myself to do so? Good question... I suppose it's because - in order to find out where I'm going in this life of mine, I need to find out where I am now. I have to take a survey - daily - of my existence and how I'm doing, what I need, what needs done, etc. Not taking the time to do that survey would put me mentally in peril. Looking for answers, clues, and even snippets of my past are the things that keep my hope alive. Hope that I'll return to a state of normalcy in my mind. A state of peace is what I'm searching for.

During all of this, certain aspects of my life have been neglected. I have certain responsibilities that need taken care of in timely responsiveness, and those things have definitely been left wanting. Deep inside me, I wish I had the mental capacity to actually advocate for other amnesiacs whom may also be declining in respects to things that they just aren't aware NEED to be kept up on. (Things like State Paperwork needing filed for the next quarter...etc...) There should be a person to help people with those things. (If indeed people could be trusted with such vulnerable people and such sensitive information... it would work out perfectly.)

Getting and retaining a good Family Practice physician is pretty impossible right now with all the health-care junk ruining an already flawed system, but I'm freaking TRYING!... I'm so frustrated. 

All I want/need is for ONE Dr to listen to me, and respond in kind. That's it.... that should NOT be too much to ask, or get. But apparently, I'm an exception... not the rule, to horrible medical practices and flawed systems everywhere. (Even if I was paying too much, in Cash, I'd still be stuck in a red-tape nightmare, on top of the one I'm already living. :( ...)

I'm seriously trying to keep my cool at all times (while feeling panicky, nervous, and constantly as if something wretchedly horrible is about to happen - panic/anxiety disorder??- ) while still taking care of all of the things required for me to be a non-toxic, mentally-calm, productive person again.