Sunday, December 8, 2013

Everyone Lost Me... what'd I lose?

The love of my life lost me - every part except my physical body, my voice, my scent, and the way I naturally carry myself... everything else that he fell in love with is completely gone.

It's really hard to watch those that love me the most mourning me, when I'm sitting right next to them.

(My mind reminds me of this photo; so full - but, I just cannot reach any of it.)

Here's what I lost:

  • All sense of self..
  • All sense of purpose/direction..
  • All sense of belonging/camaraderie..
  • Knowing where I came from, and what I've been through..
  • Coping skills that took a life-time to formulate and perfect..
  • A plethora of knowledge, experience, and skills that are learned - not things I'm born with..
  • My life's work - journals full of designs, sketches, & years worth of paintings..
  • My life's writings - poems, books, improvements to things already written, detailed instructions for various things, etc..
  • Memories that are alive in everyone else - but I'm the ghost to remind everyone exactly how much they've lost...

I've lost a LOT and every single day that I look into a loved one's eyes I see even more loss - in my own reflection. 
Some days - that's all I feel I am, a ghost/reflection.