Sometimes I feel like a child...
There are moments throughout the day and night where I just feel emotionally as a child would. There are moments on nonsensical fear (monster-under-bed types,) crying because I'm just plain lonely and bored (like a toddler, or young child,) and those times where I just have a spurt of energy and I "convince" the kitty to play with a couple of balled up pieces of paper (they love it, you should try it if you have a kitty.)My Mom, gave me a great big, soft, plush, teddy bear, with a cute little brown bow on his neck. I named him FooFoo Jr. (I had a violet hello kitty plush, before the accident and losing everything named FooFoo.) FF Jr's a great friend when I'm in those child-like moments... I grab him up, snuggle him tight, and just breath and try to turn off my mind and my worries. I just hold him and try to thing happy stuff. I try to think about anything that makes me want to smile.
There's no good come from worrying, I guarantee that one. I've done enough of it to know that one is true. It only makes things feel icky, worse, and definitely doesn't reduce stress. ;) Try to think positively, or you'll get stuck in a pattern of always expecting the worst. Apparently, I used to be quite the cynic. I always internally was a sully and sour person, because of the things I was dealing with in the "old me's" past. I was trying to do good things with a darkened heart, and that just doesn't work. So, for me, amnesia is a bit of a relief in not just my whole life... but in the lives of those who are involved and emotionally engaged in mine.
Somewhere deep inside me there's a whole opening of potential. But, that's only if I can combat this cancer crud into submission and never have to worry of it ever again... And... I would have to remain cancer-free for a while before I was confident enough to fully invest my skills and energy into anything truly meaningful to my own personal future. Before and after amnesia, I have a compelling need to help others, even though I'm not even remotely sure how to. I suppose that with my insatiable appetite for knowledge there's just other natural things that come with the trait.. like helping, expanding ideas already thought of, improving designs, etc. (Those are things that I discovered I was interested in, as well as good at.)
I've noticed that I have a tick. Not those little creatures that suck on us in the summer and fall... no, the mental trigger kind of 'tick' that trips a sensor in my mind. I don't like when others lie.. or when I accidentally say something incorrectly - I suddenly try to correct myself, even if I'm interrupting somebody else - which I do Not like to do. (Makes me feel like a jerk - even though I don't mean to do it, and cannot seem to stop once it's started.) < Pretty embarrassing...
Anyhow - this potential I feel, and these moments of feeling child-like, and having those tendencies again - enjoying little things that us grown-ups don't usually find enjoyable anymore - is therapeutic. In a lot of ways, amnesia is giving me the opportunity to relive and re-experience some parts of life that people don't usually get to re-do. I'm going to try to enjoy as much as possible, because the pains and anxiety of cancer is enough to make me nuts, but amnesia too - and the awkwardness of interacting sometimes, and just trying to "feel comfortable" gets to me too... so... I try. I will continue to keep trying to have fun, to explore my likes and interests, and to enjoy seeing things the way I do. I call my vision of the world "fresh eyes".
"Fate can go begging, destiny must be won." Wizard Merlin (Not that I believe in magic, wizards, or Camelot, but boy wouldn't it be something..) I take from that, that people must truly fight for - put forth efforts towards their futures - or else they'll never succeed. And that's about it. I believe it to be true. Nobody "wins" a job, or a woman, or a man, or a house (not usually!)... so I believe that you must truly use your energy and your own passion to get you through the horrible parts of life, and take you fully into your future. That's what I'm trying my best to come to terms with.... and that's life.
I'm tired... I'm going to rest now. I will try to keep my mind clear of negative thoughts or worries, and to focus on my comfort. To feel the surroundings of my bed, and the softness of my pillow. Breathing becomes the very last thing I focus on until I'm asleep. It seems to do the trick (for me) every time... unless it just doesn't... Ha... G'night.
Photo used for this blog-post is by:
FlorenceFantasyArt
Fantasy Art. Silhouette Art. Paintings,Prints and Cards
.. on Etsy:http://www.etsy.com/listing/87750198/fair-maiden-lost-in-the-forest-eerie-art
(It is awesomesauce (a word my brother and I made up years ago)! This artist, is.... amazing!) :D
How's this for honest..?
ReplyDeleteAs per my post yesterday - I kind of am very mentally expectant as a child would be... here's how:
When I ask for something that makes sense, and isn't necessarily 'easy' or 'convenient' for someone to help me with, I sorta just 'expect' them to want to do it on the mere basis that it does in fact make sense to me, and they recognize it.
To my adult sensibility this expectancy is very immature. Even if it does sorta make a lot of sense. I see a LOT of people not doing things that wouldn't take very much effort, to improve not only their own day, but the days of everyone around them too... ever since I recognize this thing in my mind. Funny how that works, huh?
I don't think that I am inherently childish or immature, but it's funny how the mind reverts in certain ways and not in other ways that would seem more logical or ways you'd expect to change that didn't. (shrugs) I don't know how that works...
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